We hear it from time-to-time, to make amends with our past infractions. And often, a life change motivates this phenomenon of feeling the need to make things right in one’s world. So, today, I began the pilgrimage of reaching out to those who have haunted me for years, knowing that I inflicted pain in the lives of past friends. Some may not recall even who I am. Others may not give two cents that I have thought of my indiscretions throughout life. That is not the point, however.
The main reason today, I sought to make things right was to spread the truest emotion I possess. Which is hard enough to admit. I love so immensely. I fear love and loss of love, but I love greatly and have recently realized that love is what has always motivated me in finding family, community and an anchor to the earth.
Maybe living with an overwhelming amount of love and desire to love and be loved comes more from the fact that I am an only child. But, I don’t think so, really. I just think as we go through life, we reflect on how we could be a better person, a better friend, a better spouse, a better parent. Those of us who are driven by love, thrown for a loop when the rug is pulled out from underneath, are often put on the spot to consider what we’ve done wrong and what we’ve left undone. Whatever the source, whatever the reason, whatever the motivation, saying, “I’m sorry” is so easy to do as long as one is perfectly suited to accept a huge “fuck you” in response. I guess that is where I found myself today. I am, I think, ready to be ignored and to even be told to piss off. I just felt I needed to own my mistakes and apologize. Which then led to me pondering, I wonder who else I may have hurt, maybe not even realizing it? And too, I wonder if anyone who has ever hurt me in the past, thinks about that hurt inflicted on me? I guess I can’t contemplate the thought of who hurt me, too much, because I am fine and have been enriched by so much, so many and with life’s experiences. I am at peace. Even with my ex. I don’t need his apologies for anything and I may find a time later, that I apologize for any hurt I may have caused him. It’s a bit selfish, however, because selfishly I feel upstanding extending the little white flag. Am I missing anything here?
In your past, what hurts were non-negotiable to ever accept a sincere apology? Have you ever wanted to reach out and message an old friend with an apology? Have you actually apologized and had a funny story in the end? I would love to hear others experiences. This road of life is a twisty, rocky little lane that requires so much pulling over and consulting a map. Crazy!
On The Way To Happy 
I am so glad to hear you ask for a story of life-gone-by injuries leveled by acknowledgment and forgiveness. This favorite story occurred only recently:
I joined Facebook a couple of years ago when it was still largely a youth product. I joined when a grade school pal asked me to join and “Friend” her, so she could share her kids with me. No doubt it is this type of behavior that lead to the great convergence of “elder folks” (over 30’s) into the youth arena of Facebook.
I happened to be out on disability following an injury when all this took place. I was forbidden to walk and was sitting with my foot above the level of my heart for more than half a year. What better time to look for old buddies on Facebook!
I lead a charge of finding long lost classmates and added photos to our shared photo-bilia. There is a critical mass after which the group just IS. No one really remembers who dragged us all together and that is just as well. We don’t own, any of us, the shared memory hub we represent. It is just lovely to be together again.
…. or is it?
The friend who had first asked me to join Facebook, despite having been a cheerleader, and active in many school activities, a dear woman who was the sweetest girl, went through a trying time on the receiving end of some nasty teasing in high school.
In particular I remember a day that rocked her grip on her composure when a group ganged up on her in a coordinated practical joke and while she sat in the middle of a crowd which was laughing at her, her teacher admonished her cruelly for being the cause of the joke that just humiliated her.
She came to me crying and upset. I helped her through the rest of the day. She went to the Guidance Counselor and reported the teacher who was made to apologize to her. This was the principle of the injury. The children she was used to being teased by, ironically enough. By rising above it all she had composure but when the teacher attacked her, she just “lost it.”
Now here she was unafraid to be on Facebook connected with old friends without any jaded memory of being low man on the totem pole or anything unpopular. She was truly a great friend and loved…
One of our classmates has gone on to a successful career in the film industry. Early in reconnecting with him, he asked for my thoughts regarding an apology for something that involved my friend. Without thinking I blurted out the details of this long ago “joke.”
This was the incident that haunted him. I felt that by having it so ready to the top of my mind that I implied that the issue was top of mind for her as well. I cannot say why I remembered so well or why it sat so accessible on the surface of my mind. I supposed I was still care taking the long ago girl.
He apologized to my friend who later told me about it and we laughed because it was so long ago, and because it was so sweet of him to be troubled by it. As soon as she ran from the room crying, his haunting began. He thought it would be funny. He paid in guilt far above the price of her injury. Perhaps she apologized to him for not forgiving him sooner.
As we grow older and these things still rattle about in our brains, what better mercy for us and for those the rattling relates to, than to let the rattle out. Please let us do so before we are too weak to open those trap doors any more.
I am with you on the repenting project. A great summer resolution, to look about and see where my big clumsy feet may have trampled another. With all the commitment to be a better me intact… I join your reverie.
And a reason was to see what would come of it publicly….here. But I found, I selected one of these friends I hurt long ago because of who she was/is. She made it evident why she was a friend in my life- she responded almost immediately by relieving me of any guilt and reached out to reconnect. Life is so interesting. I am blessed!