Do We Pick Our Futures From Our Pasts?

25 04 2011

I’ve spoken to many male friends lately. And one of the most profound common comments my men friend’s state is how they married the girl they felt would be a great mom and with whom they shared chemistry. But, I probed further with each man guy-friend and asked if these women were the love’s of their lives and I was completely shocked how many said at the time they thought their wives were their greatest loves, but that in hindsight, they were more the best candidate for their offspring. The worst bit of that information was having to acknowledge myself, that quite possibly, this was my own marriage.

After noticing my ex’s email dialogue between he and his “girlfriend” from college, which occurred as our marriage was falling apart, he spoke to her like she was the mind-blowing sexual soul mate of his life because of their wild sexual past. She was the “nasty” girl he had always wanted and desired in the bedroom. I was the frigid witch wife, I guess. However, the truth is, I am the girl who desired to “bring it” to the bedroom, he just wasn’t aware and had forgotten that aspect of me. After the kids were nearly grown, maybe, he was finished using me for what he needed in life. And the memory of the sexual partner I was or wanted to be was buried beneath the years of disrespect and resentment.

Being the woman selected to be the mother of “his” children means, however, I am mom to two of the greatest kids on earth. So there is no regret of the marriage, the time spent nurturing the home and everyone in it, the career that evaporated or the loss of my prime years to achieve the unknown possibilities of the world I could have created. I have zero regret.

My years of counseling have shown me and demonstrated that my life in all actuality, has been über beautiful and grand. My psychologist has remarked that my children are some of the most incredible beings she’s had the pleasure to counsel. And I cannot argue that fact. I have a lovely, nearly grown son and an incredible daughter almost ready to fly the nest. Two kids that have met the world with many challenges, heartache, blessings and love of life. It was this family therapist that suggested I begin this blog to help others grow great children. This will be this week’s topics, on the way back to happy. Join me!Logo website


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Categories : Building a life post divorce, children, growing good kids, Life Coach, Living a full life, New Category, Parenting

Like It Was Once Before

16 04 2011

Tonight was interesting. You know the “first time” you have to see someone after a big altercation or after a break-up or maybe an awkward parting of ways? That is what I was doing this evening. This was an evening of a high school play for our youngest daughter, who is still navigating secondary school. It was my first public appearance, with not only my ex, but his parents, as well. It might be worth mentioning that the last time I saw my ex at our daughter’s school, he shoved me in front of a crowd of adults and in front of our daughter. It was dysfunction in perfect form. So, needless to say, I was a bit on edge as I drove to her school.

What makes it even more interesting is the fact that I hadn’t spoken to either of my in-laws for almost a year, after the storm of our divorce fully engaged into a perfect storm last spring and became disgustingly ugly between all parties far and wide. But, of course, in usual form, my in-laws were superb. The opposing family subscribes to the old “what elephant in the room”? It’s actually very frustrating most of the time, and sometimes a bit funny after raising our children to scream, “Look at the elephant everyone!”. And tonight, I have to say, it was actually the first time I would say, it was a blessing.

I was nervous, but with my posture perfect, I came across, as I try often to do as the most confident, comfortable girl in the room. And don’t think I didn’t take a good two and a half hours to ensure I looked as good as possible. And all that preparation and worry was wasted time. Once the play was over, we walked into the lobby and my ex mother in-law walked by and I tapped her on the shoulder saying, “Hey, you missy,” and she turned around with a warm grin and a nice hug. So from the darkest days of our divorce, today there was light that felt more like the old days of normalcy.

Time had danced around all of us allowing each of us the chance to change partners, modify steps and become comfortable with all of the new turns that would make up the modern dance of today. Truly, the only thing that really mattered was seeing our daughter smiling with her grandparents, laughing with her father and asking for a photo with all of us. This was divorce at its best.

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Categories : Building a life post divorce, children, Dealing with the Ex-Spouse, Life Coach, Parenting

To Endure The Betrayal of False Friends

10 04 2011

Logo websiteEmerson wrote, of what defines success and I was reminded today. Reading a passage on a friend’s Facebook favorite quotes, has me thinking and pondering friendship. So often when one faces the death of a marriage, so too, we are often forced to evaluate every aspect of life, including friendships. Recently, I was told by a casual friend, whom I admire, that I select friends poorly.

I was to meet one of those poorly chosen friends in the former category at a recent event. I had access to tickets to the event from a philanthropic board on which I serve. I thought it a thoughtful gesture, to my not-for-profit and toward my friends to skip standing in line to buy tickets. We had all agreed and everyone was given the name of the fund to best make their checks payable. The day before the event, I’m sitting with said friend, when she receives a phone call. It’s another of the friends buying tickets. I don’t think anyone realizes I can hear the conversation, as is so often the case with cell phone calls, but I can hear every word. There is a discussion taking place on the other end asking about the tickets I’ve arranged and the answers from my friend before me is one of, “I can’t really talk comfortably, she’s right here with me.” It was as if there was something awry about the tickets, when all I want to do, was sell them for my favorite not-for-profit and help my “friends.”

Not only did the friend on the other end of the phone, ignore that we had agreed to the ticket arrangement, but not one of these friends ended up contacting me about the event as the hours ticked closer. There I was, on the evening of the event waiting. I ended up walking to the venue alone, with two tickets left outstanding. Once inside the event, I ran into the phone-caller friend, who now I think I can call “acquaintance.” There was no apology for stranding me with her tickets nor no excuse why she did not call me regarding a time and place to meet, as we previously discussed. She simply quizzed me on how I obtained the tickets. Almost like I was going to benefit from selling them. She asked me if I saw our other friend and her date. I looked at her with a bit of a blank stare. My eyes began to squint because from within, I was screaming because the answer was, no I had not heard from her and I’m sick to death of friends like these. I think my face told the whole story and she bolted fairly quickly.

Divorce creates either a new slew of friends for the “about to be divorced girl” or a bit of isolation, depending on where we each find ourselves emotionally. I have been much more introspective which has caused me to close off many in my “old” world. However, I think it’s because I have realized that the casual friend of my first paragraph was absolutely correct. I have selected, for the most part, horrible friend material. (To my fantastic friends of years- you are not included in this topic). So, my new journey before me entails seeking true friends in this second half of life. I am a good friend and by damn, I deserve to have a friend as decent as I try to be to others. No more friends that like my decorating tastes, only interested to tap me for my resources gratis, when that has been my only resource for income over the past year. No more friends that pretend to support me, only to judge me and wait until there’s an audience to make a private decision I’ve made,  a topic of discussion regarding its morality. No more “friends” that enjoy bashing me publicly within a group of women, regarding those choices of mine.

So this journey on rediscovering Happy, the girl of yesteryear, will be about seeking the answers for interviewing all candidates for the role of, true friend. I’m hopeful but the work it will require and the trust of heart will yet again be tested, but I have nothing to lose. The friends I have had over the years still remain dear and steadfast, most from my childhood and young adulthood and thank goodness for them. However, I’m a gypsy girl and I change addresses and city’s so often,  I need some good local friends where I currently reside; join me as I make this pilgrimage. At least it will be good for some “oh no she ‘di’n’t'” and likely a few jaw dropping gasps.

Briefly, in closing I attached a link to my favorite daily meditation resource, Daily OM. I hope others enjoy it. I utilize almost every ounce of material I receive from my Daily OM. It’s been an inspiration for me for years. I recently bought a book of Daily OM’s and enjoy it, as well. Let me know what you think.


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Categories : Building a life post divorce, Life Coach, Living a full life

Life Coaching Us All Along This Arduous Path

6 04 2011

I was to write my next blog entry on April 1st. However, I couldn’t get past the whole April Fool’s Day web wide gag. Not wanting anyone to be made a fool, nor myself, I opted to forgo posting. Then, the weekend came and went. I found I ignored my newest commitment, as I have done so often in my new post-divorce life, I avoided the promise to myself to post. I allowed numerous events surrounding me steal the energy needed in order to write. Why would I write? I had so many other things to do. I could commit all of my spare time to helping my son with his crisis.

Helping my son with figuring out how to lift the block levied on his college bursar’s account so he could finish registering for the following semester easily kept my mind focused and away from blogging. Another divorce casualty, no one required to pay for school. Not a problem if my son could acquire his own funding, however, while he is tied to his father’s income as set forth by our government, he is therefore, exempt from applying for most student loans available. So, it is up to mom to just sign her life away and absorb the loans since Dad continues to say because of alimony, he cannot continue paying the tuition. There’s so much more to this story and I simply do not want to go into it and risk boring anyone that may consider following my musing.

So, tonight, after my weekly hike I decided to come home and open my blog entry page. It stared blank at me for a long while. But, my son’s crisis reminded me of why I began to write here in the first place. As I discussed recreating myself with my psychologist over the past year, she kindly encouraged me to advise others on life. She kept saying, “you should be a life coach.”  She continuously told me that I had reared two of the most beautiful people she had ever come across in her practice and she has known them since their adolescence. I concurred, but I know many great adviser’s regarding equipping kids into adulthood.

As so often happens in my life, I was prodded to yet again consider it. Right before me this morning, I received a message from a friend that had just received an email reply from my son. My friend and son were discussing music and how to encourage my friend’s children to spark the music bug for a lifetime. My friend said, “don’t worry about your future, just write, write what you know, write about these amazing kids you’ve helped evolve into young, amazing adults, THEY are your portfolio.”

So, as I proceed here, I will share my unconventional theories on how I grew my children. I will touch on various topics that I seem to have navigated well and see if my discussions help others or at least open up a dialogue to discuss other possibilities. I have lived an interesting life and I’ve been extremely fortunate. So, this is where I will be focusing. I welcome any and all debate or other means to living life to the fullest and avoiding an overabundance of frustration or sadness. Because, I have seen and experienced so much and at the end of the day, I wouldn’t trade one day with anyone else. Nor do I carry much regret. Come with me, keep the dialogue going and all of us can commit to living life to the fullest and with much success. See you tomorrow.


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Categories : Life Coach, Living a full life, Parenting