But do you recall the second line of lyrics in the composition? “Two can be as bad as one” which got me to thinking about the descending phase of a relationship. Inside my marriage, the last years were so isolating and filled with such private sadness and void. Ironically, I was so often in the environment of clinking crystal stems of wine, among dozens of friends smiling and sharing stories of family achievements and current events. Moments in a room, trying to escape the truth of the widening distance between me and my mate which weighed heavily on my mind as time passed. I began hating myself for not remaining true to myself by smiling and cajoling others with similar stories. But mostly, I enjoyed the imbibing of a sultry Cabernet while listening to others. Of course, I never would have subscribed to the “let it all hang out” and moan about my predicament nor did I ever want to join a conversation that so many spouse’s led about their less-than perfect significant other. I just wanted to laugh, to forget pain, anger and isolation. Today, there is a common thread. I just want to laugh in this life. The marriage I shared was really pretty good for fifteen years, in between the few crisis’ we encountered. And laughter was definitely something we enjoyed almost until the very end. There’s enough crying we face in life and enough losses to experience. I choose laughter in life. It was one of the greatest attributes I found in my husband and why I wanted to marry him 23 years ago.
I found with each passing year, the challenge to relax and enjoy an evening with friends, much less an evening with my husband, more daunting and exhausting. Finally, in order to live with myself and my truth’s, I knew I had to force a decision to settle with the way things were to be or to commit to finding laughter again to accompany my life. We needed to fix and repair our marriage or I needed out. Needless to say, it’s a bit more than apparent that the latter is what became my married reality. And although being single is sometimes so difficult to face after being in a marriage for over two decades, being a part of a couple for as many years as I was a single girl. The aftermath is a double-edged sword; I am as excited as I am scared.
Walking down Fifth Avenue in NYC last week, in the gleaming bright sun where my cheek would catch a warm caress with each building outline break. I found myself in a smiling stupor. You may know that feeling when alone, absorbing the warmth, the melodic sounds all around, and witnessing the movement all about the streets and brushing by our body. The acknowledgment that we are among so many lives and dreams and we too, are alive and among the living, equipped with our own dreams and realizations. These are the lonely times.
I see art and want to share my thoughts with someone. The job-challenged dude close by is already too far gone for the day to really mutter any sort of comprehensible utterance. I want to share me, my thoughts and my life with my best friend. Where is he? Will he ever find his way to me? I know, so many will say, “Why not a best girl-friend?” I’ve always been my best when with my favorite guy. Whatever that may mean. I’m not desperate, I wouldn’t dare spend my time with another just to fill the void. But the agony now is in the waiting and imagery I invent while waiting for a potential friendship. I guess this is the part of singledom work I am supposed to be doing, so if and when “he” may come along, I am ready to be me, alongside us. My main focus now and actually the focus we should all aspire to attain, is living in the present. Live our lives, love our experiences, find the joy and discover new challenges. My current task is to enjoy my life as I have designed. And most days, I am full of joy and the thought of loneliness is in the distance.
Do I have regret seeking my divorce? Absolutely not, not even for one-second. I work on filling my life with all the ideas and wishes, I had secretly rolling around my head, while inside my marriage, that I repressed for years. Finding fun sports to try, volunteering and exploring my host city that I really haven’t truly explored. Possibly it’s time to find a few other new discoveries or instruction in something new. As I gain more and more ease being by myself alone, I find I’d rather read or write and contemplate my future over wishing I had a date or an evening plan.
It is my choice to fill my life with joy and all things that derive satisfaction, so as I make my last stroll back up Fifth Avenue to check out of my hotel after a grueling week with extreme highs and devastating lows, I feel the wind kissing my cheek sweetly. I am that crazy-looking girl, smiling with the giddy bouncing stride, skirt swinging to and fro with each step, happy to be living a life less lonely and with no regret that my life is now my own. Near the corner of Bergdorf’s, I realize, I may not have the physical body of a man I adore to stroll with arm-in-arm today, but I am sharing this joy, with my soul and I am nourished. Next week, I will begin my fly fishing lessons again, in spite of my ex ignoring my request to fish in a rambling brook. I currently live in some of the most highly sought after fly fishing environments. And fishing is designed for one to enjoy. Ah, again, the joys of not needing my mate to condone or nix my wish to fish.
Enjoy your weekend. I hope the wind kisses you, ever so delicately, skimming your forehead sweetly, reminding you that you have all the ability to control your joy, on your terms. Alone, with a partner, with a friend, whatever works for you on a given day. Enjoy!
On The Way To Happy 
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