On The Way To Happy

Today was finally a fantastic day. One needed since returning from NYC. I needed relief with some worries. I saw my friend, Joan Colmore, a spiritual healer, an RN and author of “Straight into the Heart of Christ.” She is a spiritual intuitive who uses her wide range of gifts to help soothe souls. There aren’t adequate words to express the love she exudes. I finally broke down and scheduled a time for her to help me to tranquillize some pain. I am certain now with Joan’s insight peace will be restored, a little each day. She’s been there for me since my first concerns for my financial future and blessings on my children’s beings. The comfort she provided me was and is always immeasurable. She gave me the strength to see I would survive and my kid’s would rise above and be really okay.

Looking back, thus far, it appears she was precisely correct. My children have survived and rebounded, each from their personal hell. We are all able to be in a room together and even laugh and share stories. Us being in a room together was all our kids needed to experience again.

In 2006, our marriage had finally died, but I couldn’t take the steps to end it for the longest. There was little fighting for a few years, just palpable disconnect and distance. Actually, my son helped free me, free us all eventually. He knew the sadness in my soul hidden behind the laughter and dinner parties. He begged for me to rid my life of the sadness even though he knew that the casualty would be his best friend, his father. It’s amazing how often we adults discount the credit kid’s deserve for their clarity, simply because we see their youth and short life experience as ill-equipped to know fully the consequences.

Why did our kid’s come out on the other side, seemingly well with mere minor scrapes? Communication and love peppered with more love. And when I thought they could see it and feel it. Repeat and repeat and repeat and continue to keep the communication doors open. I made it clear, my kid’s could be mad at me. And express that anger anytime. Respectfully, but anytime they were permitted to share their true feelings. They helped me, help them. I tried to help give them a voice, the ability to make some decisions and always respected their feelings, no matter what they were at any given time.

What was the worst part of divorce? Hands down, the fracture of the family and its effects on my kids. My kid’s came into this world, left me utterly speechless and in awe of their beauty and purity. My children were sent to me to save me. And save me they have done. And now their wish is to see me happy, which I am and strive to achieve daily. Eventually they hope I find a giant of a man and they have wondered what our family will resemble then. They are good souls and my most rewarding achievement. Nothing will ever fulfill me like the two souls sent to be by my side. We succeeded in ensuring they knew we valued nothing more.

Each passing wedding anniversary, they were my world and my life’s work. They were my husband’s world. And not much has changed, nor will it ever fade. Their lives continually enrich mine and I hope I enrich their lives half as much as they have showered me with their love, giving spirit and connection to the earth. How does one measure the impact of divorce and the potential loss for children?

Research is conflicting. Most studies findings are to stay together. But so many grown kids state they wished their parents had been happy and had left their marriages. Society accepts and encourages the fact that children need to see their parents happy or at least contented. The bible, and other religious readings push sticking it out not matter the cost. But, it’s conflicting due to the fact that God supposedly wants us to be happy and nourished by our partner. Sadly the biggest factor for most of us who survived divorce in our own childhood’s, we are often the greatest challenge when contemplating admission we have not succeeded in providing our children with the loving, happy environment of our dreams. Many of us divorce survivor children swear we will never divorce, but grace was bestowed to me at my lowest point. I succeeded in keeping my home in tact for a long time. I knew I could eventually find a better way to enjoy my ex and our future family moments together. I learned to accept my realization when I made those childhood promises to myself, I wasn’t capable of understanding much of a marriage and its needs. The change I made was for my kid’s and time will tell to see if this difference alleviates some of their personal pain. I hold out hope for a better future for them because I communicated so many of the reasons why it wasn’t working, couldn’t work and how we could live together dissatisfied or separate and find our joy again solo. My son’s eyes piercing my soul the moment he told me I needed to leave, will stay with me forever and hopefully will be a reminder for him to select carefully, nurture to the bitter end and love more selflessly than maybe he cannot even currently imagine. Sadness emanates and can be evident to a child even while parents smile and avoid arguing. For my children, the knowledge and witnessing of words spoken, caused great sadness. Anything had to be better.

Three months after my ex and I separated, my daughter said she was proud that I made a stand for a contented heart and that I wasn’t going to allow anyone, no matter the love, commitment and history, be allowed to ignore me, a loving partner and speak to me disrespectfully. They have both said I am much better. I feel much better and they remind me that just seeing me happy is extremely gratifying to them and ensures our time together is joyful and memorable similar to what they remembered growing up in their younger years.

I’m going to take it year by year and keep it all out in the open, always approachable and hope that we continue moving in this positive, upward direction. So far, so good. A year later, I have to admit, I never imagined they would smile the way they now smile. Guttural laughs like years past and I am soothed knowing how beautiful these two are in my life and how they just continue saving me. Joan and our family counselor both agreed last year, that our kids would be better off for our particular divorce. Seeing them today, all evidence points to a resounding hurrah. I am blessed. I’ve never needed Joan to reassure me of my blessings, I have more than I ever thought I would have been bestowed.