I Don’t Blame Any of You

7 09 2011

I wouldn’t blame anyone for the rolling of eyes. She’s trying to discover who she is, lost from long ago. Yet, she doesn’t even say a word since August. I have some excuses, none very out of the ordinary, but real. I hope I’m forgiven.

After speaking to many bloggers who also write for a living, I find that many only post on their blogs a few weekdays. So, I may try this avenue. I am currently finding that balancing kids, while they are older, still I am trying to make myself available to them and their needs. I had some much-needed vacation time with them both. I had some responsibilities to my daughter to ensure the start of her senior year in high school was as perfect as possible while coinciding with saying goodbye to her best friend with whom she fell madly in love with quite accidentally. He is a darling young man headed out into the scholarly world while she stays back to finish her last year before heading in her own direction. On top of all of these “mom” duties, I have been working on some public relations projects for a large local firm, working on my other business of home management, alongside trying to balance too many bills like so many of us while also trying to keep up my workout commitment and my philanthropic endeavors. So, that’s the bottom line. All is finally settling down and I’m going to shoot for writing Monday, Wednesday, Friday and maybe a bonus day. Besides, I have so much to share.

I’ve just finished a micro sprinkler installation for a client to manage his lush landscape so he can concentrate on his successful firm and also enjoy his garden when he has that tiny window for relaxing. It turned out great and I cannot express adequately how easy the project is to do for anyone that is tired of watering container gardens or pretty flower beds. Currently, I am working on an audio aficionado’s music CD collection. Firstly, organizing his vast collection in alphabetic order and then uploading all his CD’s into Mp3 files and placing them on an external hard drive to beam to the new iTunes Cloud feature. Once that is accomplished, this music lover client of mine will be able to sample his music anywhere and any of his mobile devices or computers. Rock festivals, travels, recipes, controversial opinions and quandaries and so much more. Promise, I’ll get my act together if you’ll hang with me.

The hardest part was forcing myself back onto the keyboard, ‘fessing up, apologizing and then finding the strength to move forward. So, onward!


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Categories : Building a life post divorce, children, Parenting

Childhood Trauma- A Child’s Fair Share

2 05 2011

While the sun is now shining and prom is a memory for my young girlie, it is a reminder that no matter how awful a circumstance in one’s life is or becomes at a given time, life goes on. In less than a week and with more than 300 people dead in our surrounding community due to the record-breaking tornadoes that spun around our valleys and mountains, life appears to be going on as if nothing ever disrupted our days. School for my daughter is back in session. Fund raisers are currently the hot topic, raising monies to help the devastated areas surrounding Georgia, Tennessee and Alabama where I currently reside. People are laughing and strolling along the avenues soaking in the sun, as if life is and has always been, fabulous. And truly, I guess it is fabulous.

Life has its challenges, but all around each sticky circumstance, is the good life we are living at any given moment. I’ve previously mentioned the compliments I continually receive regarding my nearly grown children. And agreed, they are extremely special and wonderful. It was my therapist who encouraged me to write this blog on raising great children renaissance style. But, before I begin discussing anything regarding my kids, one must first understand that they have lived a very charmed life, both of them. Charmed in that they have two parents that love them with every ounce of their beings. They’ve lived abroad as expatriates, they’ve never known hunger pains from lack of nutrients, or wondered if they would have a roof over their heads. But they have had their fair share of set-backs, disappointments, scares and quandaries. We’ve introduced T, my daughter with prom, so now we’ll delve into R, or “the boy” as I have always called him. Upon meeting the boy, one notices his gorgeous, chiseled face and physique. After speaking to him for a few minutes, it’s obvious he’s smart and driven. He will graduate with a BS from a demanding university after only attending for 2 and a half years, a degree that normally takes students 4 and a half years to complete. He is a passionate musician, but fears being a poor musician, hence why he decided to find a degree in the music industry to allow him to move about without starving and still being able to life and breathe in the industry he so loves.

One never notices the sadness that lurks beneath his eyes. Few have ever known his greatest defeats and disappointments. Because he is from a family with means, his ailments were rarely a big deal. So many nights when he would awaken with screams from chronic pain, tears streaming down his sweet, sweaty ten-year old cheeks, few friends of mine or his, even seemed to notice that he was any different from any of the other kids. Yet he was a child suffering from agonizing acute pain from hip dysplasia. He couldn’t get through a night without prescribed narcotics and excruciating pain. But, he lived this life for nearly two years without the sympathy of classmates, teachers or parents. Most nights, my heart broke. Over the years, I witnessed a happy, team-builder type kid slowly morph into a sad, bitter and frustrated child. Pain changes the neuro pathways in the immature brain. R still has many of the side-effects from dealing with the level of pain he experienced as a young boy. It is now who he is as a young man.

He survived the surgery to break his hip in three areas of the pelvis’ radius and he was amazingly successful getting around school and our home in his body cast. A wheelchair and a plastic traveling urinal were his closest friends in fifth grade. Watching kids run past him, forgetting how navigating the elevator and hallways was difficult to traverse alone. But, he rarely complained, he just seemed to take notes. So although he is not known as a social frat guy now, or a politically correct man, he is a motivated, smart and independent young man. A young man who would help a grieving friend, a peer that was trying to come to grips with possibly being gay and worried about how others would deal with it, and he is now a man who would give any human a chance as long as he/she was willing to work hard. He is similar to the typography that surrounds the area in which I live currently. The sun in his heart beams brightly while the ruins in various corners of our neighborhoods resemble his past pains of physical debilitation and the ignorance of his friends from long ago that forgot to consider him at the end of a school day when the bell would ring. Thankfully, most of us end our day here in the midst of the rays of sun and remember there are many who are hurting right now. We don’t run past those who are potentially hurting. As we may have the money or time to help someone in crisis. Even if at times, others have not been there for us or realized maybe we could have used more love and support.

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Categories : children, growing good kids, Life Coach, Parenting

Kamikaze’s- what I’ve learned

1 05 2011

Oh to enjoy the glimpses of the “good times” resurrected from memory banks, while watching my high school daughter and her friends from afar in another room. One of the greatest benefits of my recent divorce is having a home that is complete Estrogen overload. No men roaming the halls, or at least testosterone entered the house sparingly at this point. Girls are free to be girls. Run around the house in pajamas and gossip about all things fashion, shopping, boys, and debate on morals are typical topics here at the P-Household. To glimpse at this group of 15 girls laughing and carrying on is sublime. And to think that five years earlier, about this time of year, I was pulling up to school to find T in tears as a group of girls skulked off. Oh hell no! As I flew out of my SUV with lightening speed and a frown that must have broken through my Botox paralysis, while yelling off into the distance that this was the last day T was going to cry.

My original advice to T was to blow them off. Find some new friends since it was the first year in her new school and everyone was new and searching for a friend group. I told her to tell them she didn’t have to take their mean spiritedness and that she should continue to take up for the down trodden and beam with her joyful sparkle that so many teachers, peers and others continually commented on. She is a truly beautiful soul, very wise beyond her years and intuitive as anyone has ever been.

Days passed and I finally asked her to tell me what she decided to do. She replied with a usual, “Nothing. I ignored what happened and quickly it seemed to be forgotten.” This was a foreign reaction to me, to decide to just drop the subject and avoid the confrontation. Yet, T knew how it would play out. She continued being true to herself. She continued taking up for the less confident girls that would occasionally get ganged up on and she complimented her enemies and kept them close. Sleep overs rarely included her, but she only let it bother her for an hour after school and then she would announce that she was over it and would make the best of her weekend. Slowly, I watched this group of girls, strong leaders and extremely vocal, begin to take note of T and her ways. She was smart, the boys liked her, she sang in a rock band that was invited all over to play, she was stunning with outward beauty and inward kindness, (not that she hasn’t had her moments, please, I’m not naive) but she remained true to herself, regardless of how the girls treated her. And she still longed for their friendship. I couldn’t understand. But, now looking back, I see.

T had lessons to learn and she had many to share with this group of girls, and none of them seemed to even notice what was transpiring slowly. A few years passed and slowly this group became gentler to others in school, less vocal and intimidating and finally they all met in a place of cohesiveness with their entire class, including T. I would say T is now one of the most beloved members of the group. And better yet, she is a friend to most in her school. I have shared with her how I wished I had learned how to be a better friend to my own friends and how I may have lost some friendships due to ego and confrontation. I, too, learned from her. And I have continued learning from the entire group of young women. As I watch them all sitting at a dining table discussing their upcoming Prom and all the topics that go along with Prom, I am forever augmented by retraining myself how to be a better me, a better woman, a better human and a better friend, hopefully. These girls have given to me and I think they find something enriching by knowing me as a person, better, too. My point is, the most glorious part of parenting or nurturing a friendship, is the fact at some point, we gain knowledge we never knew we needed and we may have never been open to receiving previously. Remain open and listen, your kids have something to teach you. And the lessons are often glorious.

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Categories : children, growing good kids, Life Coach, Living a full life, Parenting

Do We Pick Our Futures From Our Pasts?

25 04 2011

I’ve spoken to many male friends lately. And one of the most profound common comments my men friend’s state is how they married the girl they felt would be a great mom and with whom they shared chemistry. But, I probed further with each man guy-friend and asked if these women were the love’s of their lives and I was completely shocked how many said at the time they thought their wives were their greatest loves, but that in hindsight, they were more the best candidate for their offspring. The worst bit of that information was having to acknowledge myself, that quite possibly, this was my own marriage.

After noticing my ex’s email dialogue between he and his “girlfriend” from college, which occurred as our marriage was falling apart, he spoke to her like she was the mind-blowing sexual soul mate of his life because of their wild sexual past. She was the “nasty” girl he had always wanted and desired in the bedroom. I was the frigid witch wife, I guess. However, the truth is, I am the girl who desired to “bring it” to the bedroom, he just wasn’t aware and had forgotten that aspect of me. After the kids were nearly grown, maybe, he was finished using me for what he needed in life. And the memory of the sexual partner I was or wanted to be was buried beneath the years of disrespect and resentment.

Being the woman selected to be the mother of “his” children means, however, I am mom to two of the greatest kids on earth. So there is no regret of the marriage, the time spent nurturing the home and everyone in it, the career that evaporated or the loss of my prime years to achieve the unknown possibilities of the world I could have created. I have zero regret.

My years of counseling have shown me and demonstrated that my life in all actuality, has been über beautiful and grand. My psychologist has remarked that my children are some of the most incredible beings she’s had the pleasure to counsel. And I cannot argue that fact. I have a lovely, nearly grown son and an incredible daughter almost ready to fly the nest. Two kids that have met the world with many challenges, heartache, blessings and love of life. It was this family therapist that suggested I begin this blog to help others grow great children. This will be this week’s topics, on the way back to happy. Join me!Logo website


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Categories : Building a life post divorce, children, growing good kids, Life Coach, Living a full life, New Category, Parenting

Like It Was Once Before

16 04 2011

Tonight was interesting. You know the “first time” you have to see someone after a big altercation or after a break-up or maybe an awkward parting of ways? That is what I was doing this evening. This was an evening of a high school play for our youngest daughter, who is still navigating secondary school. It was my first public appearance, with not only my ex, but his parents, as well. It might be worth mentioning that the last time I saw my ex at our daughter’s school, he shoved me in front of a crowd of adults and in front of our daughter. It was dysfunction in perfect form. So, needless to say, I was a bit on edge as I drove to her school.

What makes it even more interesting is the fact that I hadn’t spoken to either of my in-laws for almost a year, after the storm of our divorce fully engaged into a perfect storm last spring and became disgustingly ugly between all parties far and wide. But, of course, in usual form, my in-laws were superb. The opposing family subscribes to the old “what elephant in the room”? It’s actually very frustrating most of the time, and sometimes a bit funny after raising our children to scream, “Look at the elephant everyone!”. And tonight, I have to say, it was actually the first time I would say, it was a blessing.

I was nervous, but with my posture perfect, I came across, as I try often to do as the most confident, comfortable girl in the room. And don’t think I didn’t take a good two and a half hours to ensure I looked as good as possible. And all that preparation and worry was wasted time. Once the play was over, we walked into the lobby and my ex mother in-law walked by and I tapped her on the shoulder saying, “Hey, you missy,” and she turned around with a warm grin and a nice hug. So from the darkest days of our divorce, today there was light that felt more like the old days of normalcy.

Time had danced around all of us allowing each of us the chance to change partners, modify steps and become comfortable with all of the new turns that would make up the modern dance of today. Truly, the only thing that really mattered was seeing our daughter smiling with her grandparents, laughing with her father and asking for a photo with all of us. This was divorce at its best.

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Categories : Building a life post divorce, children, Dealing with the Ex-Spouse, Life Coach, Parenting

Life Coaching Us All Along This Arduous Path

6 04 2011

I was to write my next blog entry on April 1st. However, I couldn’t get past the whole April Fool’s Day web wide gag. Not wanting anyone to be made a fool, nor myself, I opted to forgo posting. Then, the weekend came and went. I found I ignored my newest commitment, as I have done so often in my new post-divorce life, I avoided the promise to myself to post. I allowed numerous events surrounding me steal the energy needed in order to write. Why would I write? I had so many other things to do. I could commit all of my spare time to helping my son with his crisis.

Helping my son with figuring out how to lift the block levied on his college bursar’s account so he could finish registering for the following semester easily kept my mind focused and away from blogging. Another divorce casualty, no one required to pay for school. Not a problem if my son could acquire his own funding, however, while he is tied to his father’s income as set forth by our government, he is therefore, exempt from applying for most student loans available. So, it is up to mom to just sign her life away and absorb the loans since Dad continues to say because of alimony, he cannot continue paying the tuition. There’s so much more to this story and I simply do not want to go into it and risk boring anyone that may consider following my musing.

So, tonight, after my weekly hike I decided to come home and open my blog entry page. It stared blank at me for a long while. But, my son’s crisis reminded me of why I began to write here in the first place. As I discussed recreating myself with my psychologist over the past year, she kindly encouraged me to advise others on life. She kept saying, “you should be a life coach.”  She continuously told me that I had reared two of the most beautiful people she had ever come across in her practice and she has known them since their adolescence. I concurred, but I know many great adviser’s regarding equipping kids into adulthood.

As so often happens in my life, I was prodded to yet again consider it. Right before me this morning, I received a message from a friend that had just received an email reply from my son. My friend and son were discussing music and how to encourage my friend’s children to spark the music bug for a lifetime. My friend said, “don’t worry about your future, just write, write what you know, write about these amazing kids you’ve helped evolve into young, amazing adults, THEY are your portfolio.”

So, as I proceed here, I will share my unconventional theories on how I grew my children. I will touch on various topics that I seem to have navigated well and see if my discussions help others or at least open up a dialogue to discuss other possibilities. I have lived an interesting life and I’ve been extremely fortunate. So, this is where I will be focusing. I welcome any and all debate or other means to living life to the fullest and avoiding an overabundance of frustration or sadness. Because, I have seen and experienced so much and at the end of the day, I wouldn’t trade one day with anyone else. Nor do I carry much regret. Come with me, keep the dialogue going and all of us can commit to living life to the fullest and with much success. See you tomorrow.


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Categories : Life Coach, Living a full life, Parenting