Dancin’ With Myself

4 05 2011

God, I know what it is that I miss from my marriage; dancing. Oh, that’s right, we didn’t dance together. I do, however, miss dancing around my house in my own world or dancing in the seat of my car. My daily dancing and singing ceased after my ex moved his office into our home some years previously, a move that was the major reason our marriage was finally pushed to the brink. But, I’ve always been that dancing girl, singing. Music has played the most pivotal role in my life whether I was dealing with loss, happiness, disappointment, victory, love, anger or whatever my mood at any given time. Once my ex was in my space, day and night, my dancing and singing became non-existent. Even my kids recall mornings driving to school, playing particular songs and us all singing them at the top of our lungs. My kids didn’t know it at the time, but it was designed to put them in a good mood at the start of the day. And it seemed to work, singing mornings usually ended once the car doors opened and each child rolled out of the backseat with backpack swinging out and around their shoulders as they smiled and headed into their classrooms.

One of the most important tasks in the journey post divorce is finding the “new” you or sometimes uncovering the old soul. My initial journey led me to consider dance classes. I needed to learn a new dance discipline: I tried belly dancing. It didn’t take but a few lessons for me to realize it wasn’t my thing. Then I saw and ad for lessons to “pole dance”.  I thought about the Housewives of New Jersey last year. The old Cougar ladies trying to swirl around on the pole, actually acting like they were pretty hot looking and I’d bet most people watching just felt sorry for the old gals. The imagery of that episode made me wince. Oh hell no. But, below the pole dancing ad, was a snippet about Burlesque dance. There we go.

I wouldn’t say I’m the most coordinated of dancers after two lessons. And there’s something to say about costumery, my yoga pants and high heels don’t really fit the mood of the music. But, I’m not dancing for a mate or even a potential lover. I’m dancing for me. One of the most liberating things I’ve done in years is attend these dance classes. It’s my little secret. It’s my thing to re-wire my brain into thinking I’m sexy after years of my ex telling me I wasn’t. It time for me to focus on me and feeling youthful. And if I ever need to consider a different career, maybe I could audition for a dance troop entertaining nursing homes.

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Categories : Building a life post divorce, Life Coach, Living a full life

Kamikaze’s- what I’ve learned

1 05 2011

Oh to enjoy the glimpses of the “good times” resurrected from memory banks, while watching my high school daughter and her friends from afar in another room. One of the greatest benefits of my recent divorce is having a home that is complete Estrogen overload. No men roaming the halls, or at least testosterone entered the house sparingly at this point. Girls are free to be girls. Run around the house in pajamas and gossip about all things fashion, shopping, boys, and debate on morals are typical topics here at the P-Household. To glimpse at this group of 15 girls laughing and carrying on is sublime. And to think that five years earlier, about this time of year, I was pulling up to school to find T in tears as a group of girls skulked off. Oh hell no! As I flew out of my SUV with lightening speed and a frown that must have broken through my Botox paralysis, while yelling off into the distance that this was the last day T was going to cry.

My original advice to T was to blow them off. Find some new friends since it was the first year in her new school and everyone was new and searching for a friend group. I told her to tell them she didn’t have to take their mean spiritedness and that she should continue to take up for the down trodden and beam with her joyful sparkle that so many teachers, peers and others continually commented on. She is a truly beautiful soul, very wise beyond her years and intuitive as anyone has ever been.

Days passed and I finally asked her to tell me what she decided to do. She replied with a usual, “Nothing. I ignored what happened and quickly it seemed to be forgotten.” This was a foreign reaction to me, to decide to just drop the subject and avoid the confrontation. Yet, T knew how it would play out. She continued being true to herself. She continued taking up for the less confident girls that would occasionally get ganged up on and she complimented her enemies and kept them close. Sleep overs rarely included her, but she only let it bother her for an hour after school and then she would announce that she was over it and would make the best of her weekend. Slowly, I watched this group of girls, strong leaders and extremely vocal, begin to take note of T and her ways. She was smart, the boys liked her, she sang in a rock band that was invited all over to play, she was stunning with outward beauty and inward kindness, (not that she hasn’t had her moments, please, I’m not naive) but she remained true to herself, regardless of how the girls treated her. And she still longed for their friendship. I couldn’t understand. But, now looking back, I see.

T had lessons to learn and she had many to share with this group of girls, and none of them seemed to even notice what was transpiring slowly. A few years passed and slowly this group became gentler to others in school, less vocal and intimidating and finally they all met in a place of cohesiveness with their entire class, including T. I would say T is now one of the most beloved members of the group. And better yet, she is a friend to most in her school. I have shared with her how I wished I had learned how to be a better friend to my own friends and how I may have lost some friendships due to ego and confrontation. I, too, learned from her. And I have continued learning from the entire group of young women. As I watch them all sitting at a dining table discussing their upcoming Prom and all the topics that go along with Prom, I am forever augmented by retraining myself how to be a better me, a better woman, a better human and a better friend, hopefully. These girls have given to me and I think they find something enriching by knowing me as a person, better, too. My point is, the most glorious part of parenting or nurturing a friendship, is the fact at some point, we gain knowledge we never knew we needed and we may have never been open to receiving previously. Remain open and listen, your kids have something to teach you. And the lessons are often glorious.

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Categories : children, growing good kids, Life Coach, Living a full life, Parenting

Do We Pick Our Futures From Our Pasts?

25 04 2011

I’ve spoken to many male friends lately. And one of the most profound common comments my men friend’s state is how they married the girl they felt would be a great mom and with whom they shared chemistry. But, I probed further with each man guy-friend and asked if these women were the love’s of their lives and I was completely shocked how many said at the time they thought their wives were their greatest loves, but that in hindsight, they were more the best candidate for their offspring. The worst bit of that information was having to acknowledge myself, that quite possibly, this was my own marriage.

After noticing my ex’s email dialogue between he and his “girlfriend” from college, which occurred as our marriage was falling apart, he spoke to her like she was the mind-blowing sexual soul mate of his life because of their wild sexual past. She was the “nasty” girl he had always wanted and desired in the bedroom. I was the frigid witch wife, I guess. However, the truth is, I am the girl who desired to “bring it” to the bedroom, he just wasn’t aware and had forgotten that aspect of me. After the kids were nearly grown, maybe, he was finished using me for what he needed in life. And the memory of the sexual partner I was or wanted to be was buried beneath the years of disrespect and resentment.

Being the woman selected to be the mother of “his” children means, however, I am mom to two of the greatest kids on earth. So there is no regret of the marriage, the time spent nurturing the home and everyone in it, the career that evaporated or the loss of my prime years to achieve the unknown possibilities of the world I could have created. I have zero regret.

My years of counseling have shown me and demonstrated that my life in all actuality, has been über beautiful and grand. My psychologist has remarked that my children are some of the most incredible beings she’s had the pleasure to counsel. And I cannot argue that fact. I have a lovely, nearly grown son and an incredible daughter almost ready to fly the nest. Two kids that have met the world with many challenges, heartache, blessings and love of life. It was this family therapist that suggested I begin this blog to help others grow great children. This will be this week’s topics, on the way back to happy. Join me!Logo website


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Categories : Building a life post divorce, children, growing good kids, Life Coach, Living a full life, New Category, Parenting

To Endure The Betrayal of False Friends

10 04 2011

Logo websiteEmerson wrote, of what defines success and I was reminded today. Reading a passage on a friend’s Facebook favorite quotes, has me thinking and pondering friendship. So often when one faces the death of a marriage, so too, we are often forced to evaluate every aspect of life, including friendships. Recently, I was told by a casual friend, whom I admire, that I select friends poorly.

I was to meet one of those poorly chosen friends in the former category at a recent event. I had access to tickets to the event from a philanthropic board on which I serve. I thought it a thoughtful gesture, to my not-for-profit and toward my friends to skip standing in line to buy tickets. We had all agreed and everyone was given the name of the fund to best make their checks payable. The day before the event, I’m sitting with said friend, when she receives a phone call. It’s another of the friends buying tickets. I don’t think anyone realizes I can hear the conversation, as is so often the case with cell phone calls, but I can hear every word. There is a discussion taking place on the other end asking about the tickets I’ve arranged and the answers from my friend before me is one of, “I can’t really talk comfortably, she’s right here with me.” It was as if there was something awry about the tickets, when all I want to do, was sell them for my favorite not-for-profit and help my “friends.”

Not only did the friend on the other end of the phone, ignore that we had agreed to the ticket arrangement, but not one of these friends ended up contacting me about the event as the hours ticked closer. There I was, on the evening of the event waiting. I ended up walking to the venue alone, with two tickets left outstanding. Once inside the event, I ran into the phone-caller friend, who now I think I can call “acquaintance.” There was no apology for stranding me with her tickets nor no excuse why she did not call me regarding a time and place to meet, as we previously discussed. She simply quizzed me on how I obtained the tickets. Almost like I was going to benefit from selling them. She asked me if I saw our other friend and her date. I looked at her with a bit of a blank stare. My eyes began to squint because from within, I was screaming because the answer was, no I had not heard from her and I’m sick to death of friends like these. I think my face told the whole story and she bolted fairly quickly.

Divorce creates either a new slew of friends for the “about to be divorced girl” or a bit of isolation, depending on where we each find ourselves emotionally. I have been much more introspective which has caused me to close off many in my “old” world. However, I think it’s because I have realized that the casual friend of my first paragraph was absolutely correct. I have selected, for the most part, horrible friend material. (To my fantastic friends of years- you are not included in this topic). So, my new journey before me entails seeking true friends in this second half of life. I am a good friend and by damn, I deserve to have a friend as decent as I try to be to others. No more friends that like my decorating tastes, only interested to tap me for my resources gratis, when that has been my only resource for income over the past year. No more friends that pretend to support me, only to judge me and wait until there’s an audience to make a private decision I’ve made,  a topic of discussion regarding its morality. No more “friends” that enjoy bashing me publicly within a group of women, regarding those choices of mine.

So this journey on rediscovering Happy, the girl of yesteryear, will be about seeking the answers for interviewing all candidates for the role of, true friend. I’m hopeful but the work it will require and the trust of heart will yet again be tested, but I have nothing to lose. The friends I have had over the years still remain dear and steadfast, most from my childhood and young adulthood and thank goodness for them. However, I’m a gypsy girl and I change addresses and city’s so often,  I need some good local friends where I currently reside; join me as I make this pilgrimage. At least it will be good for some “oh no she ‘di’n’t'” and likely a few jaw dropping gasps.

Briefly, in closing I attached a link to my favorite daily meditation resource, Daily OM. I hope others enjoy it. I utilize almost every ounce of material I receive from my Daily OM. It’s been an inspiration for me for years. I recently bought a book of Daily OM’s and enjoy it, as well. Let me know what you think.


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Categories : Building a life post divorce, Life Coach, Living a full life

Life Coaching Us All Along This Arduous Path

6 04 2011

I was to write my next blog entry on April 1st. However, I couldn’t get past the whole April Fool’s Day web wide gag. Not wanting anyone to be made a fool, nor myself, I opted to forgo posting. Then, the weekend came and went. I found I ignored my newest commitment, as I have done so often in my new post-divorce life, I avoided the promise to myself to post. I allowed numerous events surrounding me steal the energy needed in order to write. Why would I write? I had so many other things to do. I could commit all of my spare time to helping my son with his crisis.

Helping my son with figuring out how to lift the block levied on his college bursar’s account so he could finish registering for the following semester easily kept my mind focused and away from blogging. Another divorce casualty, no one required to pay for school. Not a problem if my son could acquire his own funding, however, while he is tied to his father’s income as set forth by our government, he is therefore, exempt from applying for most student loans available. So, it is up to mom to just sign her life away and absorb the loans since Dad continues to say because of alimony, he cannot continue paying the tuition. There’s so much more to this story and I simply do not want to go into it and risk boring anyone that may consider following my musing.

So, tonight, after my weekly hike I decided to come home and open my blog entry page. It stared blank at me for a long while. But, my son’s crisis reminded me of why I began to write here in the first place. As I discussed recreating myself with my psychologist over the past year, she kindly encouraged me to advise others on life. She kept saying, “you should be a life coach.”  She continuously told me that I had reared two of the most beautiful people she had ever come across in her practice and she has known them since their adolescence. I concurred, but I know many great adviser’s regarding equipping kids into adulthood.

As so often happens in my life, I was prodded to yet again consider it. Right before me this morning, I received a message from a friend that had just received an email reply from my son. My friend and son were discussing music and how to encourage my friend’s children to spark the music bug for a lifetime. My friend said, “don’t worry about your future, just write, write what you know, write about these amazing kids you’ve helped evolve into young, amazing adults, THEY are your portfolio.”

So, as I proceed here, I will share my unconventional theories on how I grew my children. I will touch on various topics that I seem to have navigated well and see if my discussions help others or at least open up a dialogue to discuss other possibilities. I have lived an interesting life and I’ve been extremely fortunate. So, this is where I will be focusing. I welcome any and all debate or other means to living life to the fullest and avoiding an overabundance of frustration or sadness. Because, I have seen and experienced so much and at the end of the day, I wouldn’t trade one day with anyone else. Nor do I carry much regret. Come with me, keep the dialogue going and all of us can commit to living life to the fullest and with much success. See you tomorrow.


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